I am treading lightly around this but it is something that i battle with every day of my life. Some days i battle hard and fail, i fall to the ground in rage some nights i fall a sleep hugging a soft toy, my pillow stained from my tears. There are moments in time i stop and beg for an explanation for why i ended up where i am. Other days just a fleeting thought enters my mind and is dismissed just as quickly. If I'm truly honest with myself in recent times i have lost the struggle with this more often then won against it. More often do i cry over it then not, i cry until my head hurts. I feel so isolated with it, my girlfriend sits beside me in the car and never even notices. Its probably better that way as the issue, that in recent times that has reduced me to a blubbering mess, is my failed marriage. At just twenty five years old I have seen the happiest day of my life when i married the woman i loved more then anything in the world closely followed just a few short years latter by the worst day of my life when it all fell apart. Old wounds don't seem to heal as well as i had hoped. Feelings of failure, shame in my betrayal and just simply desiring what we once had all come into my head and render me useless at whatever i was doing at the time. I miss my wife.
Are these feelings a directed attack at me. it seems to step up a notch when i get involved in groups and organisations like my church and make poverty history. or am i just facing the hard facts of life, like so many before me. Time will tell. all i can do for now is pray that the wounds heal quicker then they currently are.
No comments:
Post a Comment