A True Friend

There are a few people in my life i have wronged. Some deliberately and others are hurt by because i fall short as a friend, a son or a husband. Some of these people have unconditional love for me and forgive no matter what. Within a family unit it is assumed and often maintained but many times friends will leave and fail to forgive me and i just write them off as its their loss. Recently someone has reentered my life as a true friend. A woman who has every right within the world to despise me and desire my own downfall but somewhere long the road she found it in herself to forgive my wrongs that i know hurt her so deeply and has stood by me as a true friend. Someone who knows me better than anyone else, someone who once loved me enough to marry me and i betrayed her. Kel has reentered my life recently as a good friend and i can hardly fathom why? im grateful for the amazing friend i have but can't get my head around the forgiveness she has extended to me. What a woman .

Past is pain

I am treading lightly around this but it is something that i battle with every day of my life. Some days i battle hard and fail, i fall to the ground in rage some nights i fall a sleep hugging a soft toy, my pillow stained from my tears. There are moments in time i stop and beg for an explanation for why i ended up where i am. Other days just a fleeting thought enters my mind and is dismissed just as quickly. If I'm truly honest with myself in recent times i have lost the struggle with this more often then won against it. More often do i cry over it then not, i cry until my head hurts. I feel so isolated with it, my girlfriend sits beside me in the car and never even notices. Its probably better that way as the issue, that in recent times that has reduced me to a blubbering mess, is my failed marriage. At just twenty five years old I have seen the happiest day of my life when i married the woman i loved more then anything in the world closely followed just a few short years latter by the worst day of my life when it all fell apart. Old wounds don't seem to heal as well as i had hoped. Feelings of failure, shame in my betrayal and just simply desiring what we once had all come into my head and render me useless at whatever i was doing at the time. I miss my wife.
Are these feelings a directed attack at me. it seems to step up a notch when i get involved in groups and organisations like my church and make poverty history. or am i just facing the hard facts of life, like so many before me. Time will tell. all i can do for now is pray that the wounds heal quicker then they currently are.