Back to Battle

I feel i was tricked into returning to the Cube a little but I'm OK with that. It is my mission field. It is however something that at first i was reluctant to do but now with the Task placed before me and a few days to ponder it I'm fired up for it. I have not attended Cube for some time as i am furious at so many of them and the shallow existence they live. People who put on one front for a Sunday evening and as soon as they walk out the door indulge in sleeping with whoever they want, binge drinking, drug use, alcohol abuse and other such self driven bull shit. Sunday nights they announce they are believers in Christ and Monday to Saturday they refuse to live it with no thought for who they are hurting. These same people get together ever week and claim to be a community of love and proceed to bully the younger ones, segregate, bitch and gossip and cause rifts through all the hard work so many have put into it. Well my first week back and i have been handed the sword. I was asked to speak on the issues with the group, the shallowness of it and hopefully get them to take this a little more seriously. Get ready guys i have no intention of holding back, I'm hurt and angry and was just handed an opportunity to tell you what i really think. None of you will like it but its what you need to hear. Sunday night I will unleash my fire upon them.

Something Addictive

You may or may not know that the picture on this page of the tattoo across the back is in fact a photo of my back. The tattoo idea has always appealed to me however i have always maintained that to ink yourself with something that will last for the remainder of your life it should have meaning to you. It should represent you and what you live by or reflect you, make a statement or whatever ever, i feel that a persons reasons for them are not important but also feel its equally important to have a reason for it. so many people running around with tattoos on them that mean nothing. I am slowly stating to understand this now. Tattoos are addictive i started with the one on my back to make a statement about my faith. The ones to follow concern me, will i ever get to a point where enough is enough, i doubt it and maybe one day i will be overrun with tattoos that mean absolutely nothing.

Whilst back at Camp

Whilst back at my metaphorical camp i have found that many of the other warriors in this army are still here with me. They saw me fall and came to my rescue, they have dragged me back to camp and collected my amour on the way back. Now as a team we are rebuilding me. I have now realised a few vital things with this group. The first is that i was battling at my limit. I listened to sermon this morning about not operating at our capacity rather then our limit. I feel there is so much in this world i can do something about, everything from extreme poverty and human trafficking through to fundraising for cancer research and Kidney Health but I took on too much in recent times. I exhausted all of my resources and when a disaster hit with the work i was doing with the Cube i was already working at my limit and had no room to budge so i just collapsed. When I'm ready to head back into the battle field i will pick one thing and pursue just the one thing.
The other realisation i have come too is that whilst i am wounded in this battle i am not the only one. My loyal Christian friends have stuck by me through thick and thin and helped me through this hard time but looking at them and the journey they have walked they also need me.
I look at those who have lifted me up, given me advise and carried me on this path when i could not walk this journey. All of them men and women of Faith, unconditional love for me and i would not swap my team of support for any other. People who i just arrive at their house unannounced and am always welcome people who i can just hang out with, watch the football with and talk through my issues with. They are an amazing team that surround me and i am now stuck with a hard call.
I have no passion left for the Cube. Whilst i felt called to do that at one point i don't any more i feel i have done as much as i can there and my energy needs to be focused somewhere else so it's time to work a few things out. Firstly am i ready yet and if so what one mission do i pursue.

A True Story

CHISINAU, Moldova and CHICO, California — “They brought us to a hotel and led us up a staircase — seven floors.

"I remember … wondering when they would let me go to my sister. The big Russian woman led us into a room with couches against the walls. There were men sitting, talking, drinking tea, laughing on the couches. One girl started to cry silently. I suddenly understood what was happening.

"They made the first girl stand in the middle of the room. They ordered her to take off her top. She hesitated so they beat her. Then it was my turn. I lifted my top for a second and pulled it right down. Then I noticed the curtains fluttering out the open window…. Time slowed. I heard a ringing in my ears and the room faded. I remember that I said a prayer — ‘God give me wings.’ I ran across the room and jumped over the men on the couch and out the window.”

When Marina woke up in the hospital she had shattered one leg and broken the other. She had a concussion and some internal bleeding. It was only then that she discovered that the Russian woman she had paid to take her to Italy had taken her to Istanbul instead and sold her to modern-day slavers. She was one of several women being auctioned to brothel owners when she jumped out the hotel window.

A True Friend

There are a few people in my life i have wronged. Some deliberately and others are hurt by because i fall short as a friend, a son or a husband. Some of these people have unconditional love for me and forgive no matter what. Within a family unit it is assumed and often maintained but many times friends will leave and fail to forgive me and i just write them off as its their loss. Recently someone has reentered my life as a true friend. A woman who has every right within the world to despise me and desire my own downfall but somewhere long the road she found it in herself to forgive my wrongs that i know hurt her so deeply and has stood by me as a true friend. Someone who knows me better than anyone else, someone who once loved me enough to marry me and i betrayed her. Kel has reentered my life recently as a good friend and i can hardly fathom why? im grateful for the amazing friend i have but can't get my head around the forgiveness she has extended to me. What a woman .

Back to Camp

So this Blog has more become my own personal Travels with God rather than actual travels around the country or the world. But its far more exciting this way. So The last post talks of the hopelessness I am feeling on the battlefield fighting for what I believe and I am now starting to come to terms with it. The battle field left me disheartened and exhausted, i felt stranded and useless on the field i was no longer fighting i was probably doing more harm than good so i have decided to return to base camp so to speak.
Whilst maintaining the metaphor of the battle field and the armour of God i need to head back to camp and recuperate refit the armour, grow stronger and learn from this experience so that i can serve my Lord to my full abilities rather than giving the half arse pitiful exhausted effort i was giving.
So i have given up the Cube that was the battle field for me. I pray hard that the troops i have left on that field can withstand the array of attacks that knocked me to the ground but for now i can not serve that ministry effectively so i must take a break from it. I have started looking at other Church's in My local area (Crows Nest) Church's that have strong mature Christians around my own age who can encourage me when i re enter the field. I have removed those from my life who live their lives in such a destructive manner that they not only damage themselves but damage me as well. For Now it seams to be working i just pray that when the time comes I'm not Gun shy and too scared to re enter the battle field.

Therefore take up the whole armor of God, that you may be able to withstand in the evil day, and having done all, to stand. Stand therefore, having girded your waist with truth, having put on the breastplate of righteousness, and having shod your feet with the preparation of the gospel of peace; above all, taking the shield of faith with which you will be able to quench all the fiery darts of the wicked one.

And the Second is like it.

Growing up in Christian Circles you will know what the tittle is in relation too. The second commandment "love you neighbour as yourself" the fist of course is "Love the Lord your God with all your heart all your mind and all your soul" Countless sermons have focused on the first and how difficult we as simple mankind struggle to keep the first. Whilst i never claim to be perfect at executing the first recent times have shown that the second is in fact the more difficult to obey.
Still only a Child in my walk with God i still feel i am somewhat of a veteran when it comes to the raging battle for Christ, in the early days loving your neighbour seems so easy and at the surface level still is for me. Every day i give up my seat on the bus for the Pregnant lady who gets on, countless breakdowns, house moving and late night jump starts fill my weeks. I have a heart for people and feel the calling to head out into the world and show the world Christs love. However after years on the battlefield, following the call of Christ and ample weeks and dollars out on the mission field now my Shield is riddled with the fiery darts of the enemy as my knees are kicked in from behind me by those who i believed would unconditionally support me.
Time and time again I executed Patience, compassion and outright love with those closest to me. They came to me for advise and outright ignored it, they refused to acknowledge the weaknesses they face and justify those weaknesses amongst themselves, they wallow in a repulsive lifestyles and tell themselves they are good people for it. "life is about you and what you can get from it" they dont worry about who gets hurt, dont think of the consequences of actions and good honest people of this world get wounded as a direct result of that behaviour yet they care not.
These people are the mission field they are the ones that are so desperately looking for something in their lives, lieing to themselves telling themselves thay are happy. But how long must i battle for them, to change their lives you make yourself venerable you open yourself up to be hurt and rejected and the trouble with the crappy human race is they will pounce on that and rip you to shreds.

Im covered in scars from the battle, my armour lays scattered across the bloodstained sand of the battle field, my flesh exposed and wounded, i have seen no fruit and all i hear is the calling to pick the amour back up and keep fighting for them. Why? to what end? How do i keep fighting? How do i love my neighbour who so quickly turns and attacks me in spite of my love.

A dark Place

You plan your life out
you live your life to the standards you feel are right
you take on everyones advise and filter it
you decide what you think is best and walk down the road you feel is right
then like a kick in the chest the road beneath you falls away
you can still see where you were aiming
there is no way you can make it there
Life must Change but before you get to that realiseation
you have cried on a daily basis
you have screamed at God on hilltops
you have lost all self worth
you have lost you drive to live.
You have watched you veins pulse
you have driven a syringe of a deadly concoction into your forearm
you have faced death without fear and begged for it to come
you know only a few short moments of vomit and seizure will be the last pain you could ever feel

Then God steps in a smacks you in the lip
"learn the lesson you fool
i don't plan for your destruction i have something better for you"
You don't believe it
How can there be any light
That is the beauty of Faith You can only see darkness
you can only feel worthless
you can only hand it over to God and trust he will build you up again.

I am worth something
I am Gods child
I am a good person
I do not come up short
I am worth my weight in gold
I am a gift to this world
I am the way i am because God made me this way
I will achieve greatness
I will be happy again
There is someone out there who will love me for me
There is someone God has chosen for me.

How much do i believe this.
I'm still working on it

Age is No Barrier

Twenty plus people jammed into the sheering quarters for more then a week and you are bound to get all sorts of rubbish going on. People farting in confined spaces, inappropriate comments and of course walking in on someone of the opposite sex is bound to happen. The South Australia trip was no different, people saw and said things they probably should not have, and all the while we laugh and giggle and just get on with what has to be done.
I stopped for a moment and cast my thoughts back to one particular incident on the farm involving a Young teenager in our church community and a young woman who is relatively new to our Church community. Dylan a fourteen year old boy happens to walk in on Bree in the shower. Any other combination of people involved in this innocent accident could have resuled in shame full and embarrassed people feeling awkward for the rest of the week.
Care free Bree is not even slightly bothered by the incident and laughs it off. You would think this would have been to Dylan's relief but again another person who lives life by the whatever goes, goes motto.
The rest of the team laugh and joke about the incident around the camp fire that night and both parties get involved in the joke recounting their own humours rendition of the event.
Dylan just fourteen years old is easily mistaken for a young adult and handles the whole thing better then some adults would. Sometimes I wish I was more like Dylan, I can already see the Warrior for Christ he is becoming and at just fourteen I can see this guy will change the world. I am proud to say that I am part of this kids life and can't wait to see the awesome things that will come from him.
The image shows Dylan (on the right) with Chris (a 19 year old Cube member) in on a hysterical joke out on the farm.

South Australia Madness

I have become a little slack with this blog recently. Moving house and heading back to work have become distractions but not nearly as big of a distraction as the work I am doing with the Cube. Whilst this Blog has remained untouched the Cube blog is on fire so if you wish to keep up with some of what I am doing visit the Cube Blog.

So now I'm blogging about South Australia just days before I duck off on the Kidney Kar Rally. Not to worry it will all come it will just be a little late.

Upon returning from Make Poverty History I had ample opportunity to sit down, unwind and gather my thoughts, way up the pros and cons and just get back to normal life. The trip to South Australia was completely different. I hit the Ground running, I returned home unshaven and smelly to find that in a few short weeks I was out of a place to live. Not a huge drama just a massive change to my plans for the rest of the year. So it was house hunting, bond paying and ultimately back to work for me. This hopefully will not stop my travels however in recent weeks I have come to the realisation that this blog is not so much about my travels as it is about the journey I am going on with the Cube guys.

So the South Australia trip. This was a particularly negative experience for me in some ways and in other ways it was fantastic. I struggled with this trip and I believe the issues with it were my family members. My old man was head goon on this trip and I have very different leadership skills and methods to him. Whilst both works, I believe my fathers care free she'll be right mate approach is far to stressful. Coupled with some relationship conflicts I had with some of the Cube guys and my sister. All of which become magnified when sharing confined quarters. So avoiding staying on the negatives what was the highlight of this trip.

I have many experiences from the land and the way of life that i will blog about in weeks to come. But my number one highlight was the relationships i developed with some of the younger crew on the trip. A relatively small team comprising of mostly Cube members (over 18 years old) however there were a few of the high school aged guys from Neon on the trip too. These guys are rapidly approaching Cube age and when they get there I am pleased to say that I have already got strong Friendships with many of them.

One such relationship that thrived on this trip and the direct effects of that have been seen since is Sara. Sara is seventeen (although her height does not show it) hanging out with her mainly due to her trying to avoid a few who she was not so comfortable with, meant i got to know her well. She has no issues playing the rough boy games and had no issues with the blood and gore that comes with farm life nor with many of the unsavoury tasks we had to carry out. She opened up over the week about issues in her life and since returning we have become good friends. although she continues to hide my pillow when ever she visits and fling confectionery around my house.